Depression and the healing power of our Savior.

Well, we finally came home from the hospital last night. It wasn’t too late, we got home around 8pm–I think.

In case you are all wondering I didn’t have the baby.

But I have been in an emotional state. It’s the reason I didn’t write any updates. I was so emotionally exhausted that I wasn’t ready to face the world. In fact, it was very much the opposite. I wanted nothing to do with the world. I wanted to shut everything out and just curl up and cry. Not just cry, but sob. Ugly cry.

I am not exactly sure why, but I think my body just needed some sort of outlet for everything that had happened.

I was trying to make sense of everything. All the things the doctors had said. Mixing what the doctors had said with things I have researched and read. Stories of support groups that I’m part of.

And of course, what Aaron and I want for our baby.

Aaron finally made it back up to the hospital around 1:30pm which is when our appointment was supposed to be (After going home to receive our household goods–but I have MY bed–YAY). We had been told that all of the specialists and doctors would be back over to the hospital room to speak with us, but I hadn’t heard from anyone for awhile and so with it just being Aaron and I, we spoke about what we wanted for our little boy.

Our biggest concern for him was that has the best chance with the highest quality of living. If he was only going to live days–we weren’t sure we wanted his few days to be filled with surgeries and tubes and pokes and prods. Maybe giving him that time free of medical assistance would be more enjoyable for him. And for us.

It was also very important to Aaron, that I was taken care of. He didn’t want me to have to go through anything extreme for the life of our baby, if our baby wasn’t going to make it anyway. That was a perspective that I couldn’t have. As the mama, I would give up my life for him.

Even though Aaron and I had conversed several times over what we wanted for little Isaac, it was still confusing to understand what was best for our baby once the doctors got there. The monitors were telling us that his heart was not doing well and when I contracted, his heart would dip. This would make it appear that little Isaac would not do well under labor and these were just little contractions, not the big ones. But what did that mean? What did the monitoring tell us?

If Isaac was a “normal” pregnancy, then doing a c-section would make sense due to the way he was reacting to my contractions, but he’s not a normal, healthy baby. He’s very much under weight, and there isn’t a good chance he would survive being born so early with all of his complications.  However, there was a small possibility that we would get to hold him alive–even if it was just seconds. But that would also mean that I went through the risks of a c-seciton, even though our baby most likely wouldn’t survive it anyway.  While his current situation wasn’t to the point of a c-section yet–the doctors felt like he could take a turn for the worse literally any second. Was opting to do a c-section really the best option for Isaac or myself?

So what were our other options? Inducing me wasn’t really a good idea since it was the contractions that were affecting his little heart, and being born pre-mature still wasn’t a good idea.

Nothing seemed to be right or easy. I often felt like my world was just spinning and I was just sitting still in the middle of it–not able to move fast enough to jump on the ride.

It seemed like the doctors were concerned that Isaac would not live long at all–no matter what course of action we took.

Finally what we decided was the best option was to go home and let nature take it’s course. Whatever that meant.

Yes it could mean that Isaac’s heart will continue to decline and he could pass in my womb and I’ll never get to hold my baby alive.

Yes, that could mean that I could go through all of this again later and still ending up having a c-section–if it seemed medically necessary.

But really, what it meant is that Isaac’s life is still pretty good right now. He’s getting the oxygen and nourishment that he needs. He doesn’t seem to be in any pain and really that’s important to me.

What if he passes through his mortal life never experiencing pain? That would be amazing and what parent doesn’t want that for their child!!

What if he gets bigger and stronger in the next few weeks and can actually survive the birth?

What if we do actually get to hold him and love him–even for a short time.

While writing it may seem like these choices were obvious things, but I really struggled.

Not with the choice Aaron and I had made (which was to leave the hospital unmonitored, and without doing a c-section), but with the consequence of that choice.

I never really entertained the idea that our little boy would pass in my womb. I never really entertained the idea that I wouldn’t get to hold him alive.

I mean, I totally understood that it was a possibility, but kind of like you know it’s a possibility that you could get struck with lightning.

I just didn’t want to really believe it could be my reality.

But sitting there in the hospital speaking with the doctors, the reality of it hit me like someone had turned on the light in a very dark room and I just couldn’t stop crying–blinded by starkness of the truth of the situation.

I felt like a hot mess.

I felt embarrassed for crying so hard over a decision that I knew I wanted and felt was right. It’s like my tears were betraying me.

But taking the monitors off my baby and walking away from the hospital was one of the hardest things I have ever done–but yet it’s like I couldn’t leave fast enough.

Part of me wanted to do that movie thing where you pull out your IV and walk out in your hospital gown.

I didn’t do it–incase you were nervous.

By the time we got home and picked up Audrey, I could feel the last of my energy just burning away. Audrey was so wired and all I wanted to do was hide from the world. I made the unfortunate choice to try to put Audrey to sleep, but all she wanted to do was play. Jumping, giggling, not settling down at all. At one point is playfully hit me and then laughed about it.

I snapped. I felt it. It was like an audible pop. I yelled at Audrey to “just stop”.  My body was shaking and all I could do was just walk away from her. I didn’t do anything to her–but my feelings–my emotions were scary to me.

I left the room in tears as Audrey is also crying, because my abruptness scared her too. Aaron came to me first–held and kissed me–then told me he’d be back after putting Audrey to sleep.

He also brought me chocolate cake–he’s a good man. 😉

When he came came back, we spoke a little, but decided it was best to go to bed.

I guess that’s why I woke up today feeling completely desolate. I think I half expected to wake up and find Isaac had passed–because of the way of I was feeling.  Somehow a part of me felt like I was abandoning him by not continuing to monitor his every move, but really I think it had more to do with depression.

Aaron was a sweetheart and we had some pretty real conversations today. Conversations about depression. Was the weight of this situation going to spin me into a hole I couldn’t get out of? I spoke to him about my feelings and thoughts–because it’s important to be open. It’s the only way to really get help if I needed it.

The scary part is that I’m not sure what it is I need. I didn’t like the way I just snapped with Audrey. It wasn’t just that I snapped–that makes sense after a day like I had, it’s the fact that I felt out of control of my bod.  She sincerely didn’t do anything wrong. Was I just emotionally drained or was it more than that? I don’t know.

I asked Aaron for a priesthood comfort blessing and then we prayed together. I think there are lots of ways for depression and anxiety to be confronted, and this was my answer for now. I want to be open and talk about it here–because I think it’s a discussion that should happen more often. Especially through pregnancy and postpartum. I don’t have any life changing answers to everything now, but I do know that by opening up I was able to receive help.

God answers our prayers and He sends His angels–both those living and non-living.

Not long after the blessing, a woman in a our church invited Audrey and I to a play group. While I was very grateful for the invite, I mentioned that today might be a good day because I had just gotten out of the hospital.

This amazing sister brought us dinner and dessert.

Another dear friend sent me the most beautiful message and said things specifically regarding the things I am writing about in this post–but I hadn’t posted it yet.

God hears our prayers and He answers the pains of our hearts.

For now, I have peace. For now I can feel good about all our choices and their consequences.

What the future holds for us and our baby is yet to be known. I can’t know what’s going to happen, but what I do know is that I have a strong testimony in my Savior, Jesus Christ. I do believe that He can comfort and heal us in so many ways.

And for tonight He has indeed sent His comfort and healing power to our little family.