HAPPY BIRTHDAY my sweet little boy. Just mentioning you brings a smile to my face and I wish you were here so we could all celebrate together. I miss you so much. Everyone misses you here. We all mention you (independently) often. You are never far from our thoughts and hearts.
I started a letter to you last night, but it was turning into a very sad post. It’s hard because I miss you so much. I don’t take the time to write and blog as often as I used to for several reasons and so when I do, sometimes all the emotions and feelings I’ve been feeling for months come pouring out. While I find it important to express them, I wanted your birthday letter to be uplifting and positive.
I can’t believe you’d be THREE!!! At this point you’d be older than Audrey was when you were born. You’d be getting a strong hold on speaking and maybe we’d just be beginning to understand you.
Haha. You’d have favorite toys and I’m sure I’d have a clear idea of what kind of birthday cake you’d want, although Audrey is convinced that your favorite flavor is Chocolate. (Not a guess that is unfounded, considering who your father is….hehe).
So much has happened in the last year. Most importantly of all that, I wish you were here to meet and play with your new baby sister. I am sure you got plenty of time with her before she was born, but I didn’t get to witness it and it’s a mama’s pure joy to get to see her children interact with each other. We also live so much closer to family now and I’d love to see you interacting with your cousins. It’s now your 3rd birthday and we have celebrated your birth in 4 different states. Arizona (where you were born), Utah (your first birthday), Texas (your second birthday) and now Colorado. I still can’t believe it’s been 3 years since I last held you in my arms. In someways it feels like just yesterday and in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago. I still miss you terribly. I still have moments of such intense grief that the world feels like its spinning out of control. Most of the time I am alone when these moments happen, but sometimes it catches me in public or group settings. At least we’ll be here next year as well and for the first time since you were born, we will have stayed in one place longer than a year. Each place we move it’s hard to start all over again with people that don’t know you and your story. I speak about you openly, but that doesn’t always mean that people get it right away. There are still so many times when the lack of your presence just hurts. Recently I was at the store shopping with Emilyn and Audrey and a very nice older gentleman was in front of us. He was friendly and playing with Audrey and making her laugh. He looked at my car full of girly things and he says “2 girls, eh? I wonder how Dad feels about that.” With tone and body language it was clear that he was commenting on the lack of sons. He was just being friendly, so I felt no need to put him in his place, so I just responded. “Daddy loves it. He loves nothing more than all his children”.
The man smiled warmly and continued to make Audrey smile. This experience isn’t the first or last. It’s one of the reasons I can not go a day without feeling your absence. I get comments all.the.time. about 2 little girls. And if you were here, you’d get comments about being smashed between 2 little girls.
The point is, no matter how much time has passed, our family just does not feel complete without you. The other day I was desperate for your touch. I wanted to hold and snuggle you. I wanted to kiss your face and see how you’ve changed. I wanted to hear your thoughts and concerns. Each Sunday I teach the children at church songs. I teach children ages 18 months-11yrs old. I think of you as I teach the younger children, wondering how you might be singing along.
I wish I could celebrate today by making your favorite meal or wearing your favorite color or listening to your favorite song. Doing those things helps me when I miss my daddy. I’m still working on not being jealous of other angel moms that got to spend any amount of time with their children no matter if it was 15 mins to 100 years, but I am so grateful for the time I got to keep you in my belly. You were safe and happy there. Maybe we’ll eat all of the things I craved while I was pregnant with you. Haha!!!! I did finally get your little shelf set up, so now I can look often at things that remind me of you.
Well, we don’t have any big plans today. We plan to get a cake and sing you Happy Birthday. Considering that you might be starting pre-school this year, I was considering buying a book or something to donate to the school that Audrey goes to. Somehow I intend to still participate in as many “firsts” as I can with you.
Normally your dad and I like to visit the temple on your birthday, but since it’s closed on Mondays we went a couple weeks ago while your dad was off work. We went and participated in sealings. It was a great reminder that our family will be together eventually and for the rest of eternity.
I hope the Heavens can open a little bit today and I can feel your presence. Happy Birthday sweet boy! Your family misses you!
Your mama. 💕